So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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