Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
