when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Randomize
