Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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