I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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