I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
