I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
