Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
