We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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