I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
