remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
