I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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