Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
