I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
