im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
