Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
