My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
