i would punch a child for taco bell
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
