Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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