my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
