The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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