Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
