I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
