I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
