Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
