I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
