That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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