WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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