dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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