do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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