seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
