I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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