He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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