i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
