I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
