I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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