so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
