it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
