Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
