I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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