I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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