a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
