If i come over, it means nothing
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
