We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
if you like me you must not know who I am
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
