he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
