Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
