i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
