I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
