Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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