I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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